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Hello, My Name Is Alcoholic: A Journey of Recovery, Healing, and Wholeness

Updated: Oct 7, 2023


My name is Caroline and I'm an addict, "hey Caroline" the room bellows back to me. I want to run out of the room with every fiber of my being, I feel dirty, ashamed and awkward.


Addiction, by its very nature, emerges from a place of sacrifice—a sacrifice of one's own values, morals, and self-awareness. It entails a profound devotion to utter self-absorption, despair, and self-deprecation while harboring delusions of everything being perfectly fine. I wish I could reach inside my brain and show you what its like. The sheer thought patterns involved with addition go far beyond substances. It's a running soliloquy of imposter syndrome.




The circumstances that led me to this point started one night at a posh wish bar and ended in a local police precinct for DUI. By my 20's almost everyone I knew had a DUI , It was almost as if my turn no big deal. I had friends and family members in recovery and while I loved them and what they were doing, I wasn't " like that." I drank in fancy martini bars, drinks after work, wine and cheese nights. Nothing derelict but if there was a gathering there was booze, and I was supplying it.



Chapter 1: Figuring it out - The first and probably most challenging and humbling step. After the first few days of having my older sister wake up at the crack of dawn each morning to drive me to work, I realized I was mad, like big time angry. This was unfair, but also expected I wasn't negating the fact that I had indeed effed up. But I was filled with this all consuming feeling of rage, and a fallacy of fairness. I had gotten this far in my life by brow beating myself, yelling internally at myself to get it together and not be a lazy POS. But that wasn't working this time.



When I finally decided to venture to a 12 step meeting, I hated it! LoL ask anyone in recovery to spot the newcomer and its easy to see, they scowl, cross their arms and play on their phone like a petulant teenager. As much as i hated it I felt something shift something inside of me during those meetings, like when you're a child and your mom just takes over and knows what to do. I think they call that safety. A feeling that has been lost and never found for many of us. Especially in this chaotic world we live in.




Chapter 2: Checking myself because lets be honest I'd wrecked myself - Getting to know myself in recovery involved accepting that i didn't know Sh&#. Clearly my best thinking had landed me in handcuffs so maybe I could sit down and color and listen to someone else. However I also learned that none of this took away from my inherent hu


man rights, my worth or my value. I was no less or more than anyone. I was not alone and we were all in this together. A sense of unity that I have rarely ever experienced. I learned to lean on others with more experience than myself, people who had walked ahead of me and done the thigs I was trying to do.


Chapter 3 : - H.O.W. to live - As recovery progressed I had to figure out HOW it all works. I had to get honest, be open minded and willing to take suggestions. These spiritual principals helped me slowly move out of self centeredness and realize it wasn't always about ME. This included in my workplace, direction when given wasn't a cri


ticism but just that a direction to move in. I learned to have open dialogue in relationships, to recognize that there were things I could control and others I could not! When i started to reach outside of myself to change the way I felt, through substances, shopping external validation etc, I was sure to be let down. I made a conscious choice to be grateful even in the most minutiae things. I recognized that I was wired for connection and I couldn't do it all alone, and that for those people who are earned their seat at the table I could share my story with them. As years went on the sober curious movement grew. Bars with NA options began popping up in bigger cities, companies began producing NA drinks with adaptoge


ns and vitamins to improve health. And suddenly not drinking was mainstream!


Recovery isn't just about healing the past and stopping drinking; it's about embracing the present and looking forward to the future ;constantly looking to improve and check my ego. I continue to try and take a daily inventory each day and reflect on the importance of gratitude and the daily practices that keep me grounded. Recovery is an ongoing process, but it's one filled with promise, growth, and is a deeply personal experience, but it's also one that connects us as humans. By sharing our stories, we can inspire others to embark on their own journeys of healing and find the strength within themselves to overcome adversity. Remember, you're not alone on this path, and there is always hope for a better future.


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